Often Irreverant with no Sacred Cows

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Slug bug...no slug bugs back

Lately I have felt about as sexual as a slug. I haven’t wanted to do anyone or anything. Even my blowup doll is now going to therapy for lack of attention and you know what? I am ok with paying that bill. Really. I may be sending my hand along with it pretty soon. This whole dating thing has just killed whatever libido I had. It’s tragic. Either you meet someone who wants just sex (which I was fine with in my early 20’s… I could give a whore a run for her money) or you meet someone who wants to immediately marry you. What happened to dating? Getting to know each other… Scoring first base on the first date? Now it seems like I meet someone, we skip all the bases except for home plate. I need something more than that. I am, dare I say it, a sensitive man who is looking for a relationship. I want to settle down. I want a home with a white picket fence. I want 2.5 children ... I want… Oh who am I kidding? What I really want is a lover who looks like a GQ Model, likes to fuck till the cows come home and believes ain monogamy. Hmmm, maybe that’s why I am still single.

There is a dull spot on my laptop screen just above the task bar that’s driving me insane. My eye keeps wandering to it while I type this. It’s like a black hole. A void in my otherwise bright screen. I can’t take it much longer. No wonder people go off the deep end in corporate America. I don’t know what to do about it. I could call the help desk but “Rachel” from India would only offer me a slurpy and while that MIGHT make it better but it still wouldn’t keep me sane. I think I’ll just try and ignore it. The same way ignore my boss.

I started going back to the gym in an attempt to loose the weight that I have gained over the past few months. I go with my brother who is a freaking gym head. He is all about lifting weights and getting as big as he can. I can barely move today. I can’t even lift my arms over my head without screaming and crying like a baby. I had to put on my shirt like you put on tight pants. I laid it on the bed and just kind of wiggled into it. I had to drive to a friend’s house just to get her to button the top buttons. I couldn’t go to work with my chest hanging out of my shirt. I am pretty sure the 70’s disco look is not considered Business Casual.

Why did god make nuts sag so low? I practically just racked myself adjusting my legs in the office. I swear I just need to be neutered… If course then my estrogen would kick up and my man boobs would turn into full blown tits… I’m screwed no matter which way I go…although Victoria Secrets does have a few pretty bras…

Speaking of which, the new Kate Moss Collection hit Barney’s yesterday. I just can’t see paying that much money for so little clothes. You know it only takes about a yard of fabric to cover that skinny little coke whore. The plus side is you get a free dime bag with each shirt. Helps keep you emaciated just like her. Quick, Moms, run out and buy all your little teenage girls some coke whore clothes. Now I am just waiting for Whitney to come out with the Crack Whore line.

I really should get back to work ignoring my boss. I’ve blogged long enough.

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 3:39 AM :: 7 Comments:

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