Often Irreverant with no Sacred Cows

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Not the Blogger

Maybe you've noticed. Maybe you haven't. Lately I haven't been my normal witty, pithy, random, funny, yet sensually titillating self. I'm not sure why.. It might be that Iran is protesting, Obama hasnt repealed Dont Ask Dont Tell Or You're Fucked. It may be that I have been preoccupied with other things in my life like this pimple on my upper lip. Whatever the case may be, I haven't Been blogging. I just haven't felt that nauseating gaseous explosive diarrhea blog feeling like I normally do every morning when I wake up. During this period of blog constipation, I have noticed that I have been spending an ungodly amount of time reading other people's blogs. I peruse countless entries peering into each and every one of the bloggers lives gaining entry into their personality, their mental capacity and even how they live their personal lives. I find it completely a waste of time and yet so fascinating I can't stop. It's like a pervert peeping through his very first window, shaking, watching, anticipating that something good will come along, something exciting will happen.

As I journeyed on jumping carelessly from Blog to Blog, I truly became educated in the ways of blogging and came to the most interesting conclusion: People are fucking idiots. Why blog about Mundane things? I realize that this idea made Reality TV, the rating whore it is today but I don't think Reality blogging has caught on. Honestly, we as voyeurs don't give a shit about your 50th attempt at dieting. You, my dearest, are a fat ass and obviously you will remain so. Please accept that fact and find something more interesting to write. Nor do we want to know about your vacations. Frankly were pissed you got to go instead of us. No, we don't want to see the pictures of Uncle Frank in his Speedos at the waterfall and no we don't want to see the video of the entire trip to Sandusky, Ohio either. Well, unless there is a section of you and the wife getting it on. At least then we get a choice- horniness or horror.

Who gives a fat fart about your kids 13th birthday part at Surf and Swim. We don't! Actually if your kid drowned, then by all means, please blog about it. My favorite entries of all time are the bloggers who bitch and moan about blogs. It drives me crazy. Why must you feel the need to waste everyone's time bitching about what you don't like in blogs? Who gives a shit about what you like and what you don't like in blog content? Don't read it! Click the back button. Hit the "x" in the upper right hand corner. Take a hammer to your monitor. Tie a rope around your neck. Do something but for Jesus-Buddha-Allah-Joseph Smith -Christ don't blog about blogging. It's fucking retarded and besides it pisses me off. Unless I do it...like now... and then it's ok... cuz it's me and not you. Shut up.

I spend countless seconds zipping from one blog to the next sometimes staring at various entries with wreckless abandonment. I feel like a kid in the cookie jar. I just know I'm about to get caught and frankly I wish I would so I can ask the question “Why were you even born?" I realize this sounds harsh but clearly this blogging nonsense has gotten way out of hand. When are we, as bloggers, gonna stand up and say NO MORE! ........ Well....We're not and that's final. No. Don't think another thought. Don’t ask another question. Just accept that we as bloggers are more retarded than the Special Olympics. We still and WILL blog about anything that comes to our pea-sized brains. I'm okay if you're okay. I don't have the answers as to why. I just know the question and only because I am really great at Jeopardy.

And as a Final Thought: To the person driving the special gold edition gold colored Lexus- who will sadly never read this blog-You are a Cunt face for parking in my spot. No it doesn't have my name on it but I have been parking there for the last three months and those are clearly my oil leak spots. So please kindly park somewhere else you son of a crack whore's sisters aunt's uncle who fucked your mother.

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 9:59 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Friday, February 27, 2009

Fake Lady Bugs

There are fake lady bugs in my office and I have no idea why. They weren't here yesterday but when I came in this morning there they were. I count 3. 2 on the floor and one buzzing around the fluorescent. Strange huh? I have no idea how they ended up here but I do know they are having a shitty day just like I am...


My day didn't start of shitty. I woke up. Took a shower. Looked at myself in the mirror and realized how fat I am and then it went downhill from there. Even my Moobs are sagging in defeat. I was planning on leaving work early today. No one is here. Except one consultant, who apparently needs to get his security badge and the only time he can do it is at 4PM. SOOOO here I am... with nothing to do.... waiting until 4PM so I can badge someone into a door... so frustrating. On the bright side, if this is the worst of my problems I guess I am doing ok huh?

Moobs are still sagging, sigh. Depressing.

I am going out of town this weekend to attend a Theatre Festival. I am excited since it is at my old Alma Mater and I have been asked to be the Critic Judge. I was super stoked until I was told that I couldn't act like Simon Cowell. So now I am just gonna pop pills, drink till I am drunk and tell everyone I love them. Thanks Paula.

Can nipples really point that far south? They are beginning to look like a 90 year old woman's tits that have nipple weights clamped to them... saggy baggy bo-baggy saggy.

OOPS. 2 fake lady bugs. I accidentally stepped on one. Damn. I am sure that is some Buddhist Monk reincarnated and now I am gonna pay the price for all eternity. I'll probably come back as a reincarnated straight republican pentecostal with 10 children. My own version of gay hell.

Well hopefully 5PM will get here soon. I have Happy Hour plans and nothing can make a day better than Vodka. I fully endorse it. Sadly, I have to go through 4 more hours of sitting in this office with fake lady bugs with nothing to do. Maybe I should practice beating my head against my desk. I wonder what the fire alarm sounds like....

My Randomness has left me and I just stepped on my Moob. Must deal with the pain. See the update below about an earlier post.

UPDATE: New look coming later than sooner. My computer crapped out on me so I have to buy a new one. However, before I can do that, I have to drop $1k on a new bed. Recession? What Recession.

UPDATE 2: I still may blog about the right wing piece of crap that pissed me off. I'm not quite as pissed at him now because I realized he is just Stupid. Inherently stupid and for that I should probably just take out a hit on his parents. Gay Mafia I need you.

Editors Note: The views expressed in this blog are not the views of the blogger. He loves his job and would love to stay late every day worshipping his employer. No other insects were harmed during this post. Dallas Dysfunction does not condone violence of any kind unless Sarcasm is considered a WMD. Moobs are still sagging.

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 1:45 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

New look needed...

I need a new look... a new feel ... The BLOG people... not ME personally... SO I am gonna start working on it soon... very soon. The new job affords me lots of time... which is good.... also a new pissy blog posting coming soon.

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 4:22 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, January 17, 2009

Hello... Is this thing on?

Um.... Hi. I know.....Sigh

It's been such a looong long time. I'd like to say this is the start of a whole new era of blogging for me... but honestly I am like an addict. There is a good chance I am going to relapse. So don't get your hopes up, ok? Let's take this one day at time... mmmmm PCP Pork Pops...

SO....where to begin??! I guess I should announce for those of you who don't know...Dallas Dysfunction is once again dysfunctional in Dallas. Yes folks after 1 year 4 months and some change, I packed my shit and headed back to the Big D. I arrived here a few days before Christmas since then I have been a travelling Gypsy, staying with Family and Friends, peforming tarot card readings all while looking for a new place to hunker down and call my own. These last few weeks have been quite an experience.I really miss having my own place. I miss my old routine. You know what I mean? The routine, where you come home from work, head to your room, take all your clothes off, fluff yourself, take a shit, wander into the kitchen, start dinner, then run suddenly back to your bedroom to put clothes back on because a small drop of grease popped out of the frying plan and happened to land on your gee willy williker, then eat dinner, watch CSI, look at internet porn, shower and hit the bed? You know that routine? I miss it.

MMMM LSD Lettuce Wraps.

I guess you could say that Seattle and I just wasn't meant to be. We were like oil and water, lube and spit, round and square, two tops... you get my point. I just couldn't live there anymore. I had had enough. Do two "hads" in a sentence drive you nuts? It does me... Anyhoo, I discovered why everyone is Sleepless in Seattle-- they're all on Meth. Honestly, my time there was like a series of unfortunate events. It was one thing after another, the prostitution charges ( gas was expensive), the explosive diarhea, in church, on the pew; the purple nurple given to me by a 50 year old fat man that I didnt even know. I was traumatized. I had to go into therapy. Hence the reason I stopped blogging. Crack Cookies and Cream...mmmmm

But Dallas...I am back.. and as of yesterday I am living Deep in the heart of you. So look out people who can see into my loft! I plan on being naked and that my friend... is the scariest thing you will ever see.

Valium Vicodin Vodka Vindaloo Anyone?

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 11:52 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Does this ever happen to you?

You're sitting there minding your own business and WHAM. It's like the 1980's Hit you?

Ok..... so it only happens to me... well dammit I took pictures this time....

( this is how I alleviate stress... by amusing myself.....)

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 1:07 AM :: 4 Comments:

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Monday, July 28, 2008

A Brief Conversation or IM just sayin...

A quick IM convo between me and friend..

ME: I am never gonna go to sleep tonight
Friend: haha
ME: I have had a pot of coffee... two cups of green tea
ME: and a shit ton if Ice tea
Friend: why?
ME: can we say hello caffeine
ME: well I forgot lunch and didnt have time to get any
ME: soooo
ME: I just kept my gut full of liquids
Friend: oh
ME: now I got the shakes!
ME: i feel like I need a beer
ME: at 7 am
Friend: take an antihistamine
Friend: like benadryl
Friend: you will get sleepy
ME: well I took for tylenol PMs last night and overslept this morning
ME: soooo
Friend: moderation my dear
ME: I think I am gonna just stay away from that and drink water the rest of the night
ME: moderation.. what the hell is that?

Friend: so u will be pissing all night ?
ME: Depends
ME: no really I can wear Depends...

ME: kidding
Friend: ewwwwwww
ME: have you priced those things?
Friend: nope
Friend: dont need them yet
ME: oh I have...I thought how convenient...
ME: but its just way too expensive
Friend: easier to wash the sheets
Friend: ewwwwww
ME: um no... then you get those yellow stains on your mattress
Friend: jason used to pee in his sleep
ME: and lord knows If I died tomorrow..
Friend: when he was drunk
ME: I dont want people knowing that I pissed my bed
ME: Jason?
Friend: my last boy-friend- the devil
ME: oh honey you go through men like underwear i cant keep up
Friend: not lately- guess im gettin too old-
ME: so are you sayin you dont change your underwear very often?
ME: um eww
Friend: only when they start itching
ME: maybe if you did... you'd attract more men
ME: just a thought
ME: lol
Friend: ick
Friend: blah
ME: my windows are open and its getting dark
Friend: sum 1 might crawl in
ME: I need to close them before people see me without a shirt and mistake me for a girl
ME: in fact...my tits are typing this right now.. they are very talented
Friend: um- nice tits
Friend: training bra?
ME: training... they are too wild for that
ME: I duck tape em
Friend: that must hurt
ME: only when you take it off
ME: slowly
Friend: ouch!

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 11:49 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Political comment...

I don't normally post anything with a religious content but Hallefuckinglujah! Now why can't everyone realize that marriage has two parts? One Legal and one Spiritual?

Guest column: Divorce church from state in same-sex marriage debate
By Charles C. Haynes

Suddenly this summer, the reality of same-sex couples lining up to get married in California has led some religious leaders to rethink their government role.
In a letter last month, Bishop Marc Handley Andrus of the Episcopal Diocese of California directed his clergy to "encourage all couples, regardless of orientation, to follow the pattern of first being married in a secular service and then being blessed in The Episcopal Church."
The bishop's missive illustrates what a tangled web we have woven when clergy intone "by the power invested in me by the state."
Because the Episcopal Church doesn't sanction same-sex marriage — but gives the option of blessing the union — the bishop appears to be seeking a way to bless all couples while distancing the church from legal arrangements sanctioned by the state.
"There are a lot of benefits in getting out of the legal marriage business," the Very Rev. Brian Baker told The Sacramento (Calif.) Bee in reaction to the bishop's letter. "This way the clergy and the couple can focus on the spiritual blessings the church has to offer and not the political stuff."
On the theological flip side, many conservative clergy worry that as agents of the state they will be pressured to perform same-sex marriages — or, in some other way, coerced into recognizing same-sex relationships in contradiction of church doctrine.
Maybe the bishop is on the right track: Separate secular from sacred by drawing a bright line between civil arrangements and the sacrament of marriage. Each state would limit itself to defining marriage as civil benefits for committed couples (as mandated by state law) — and each religious group would be free to define marriage according to the tenets of its faith.
The practice of dubbing clergy agents of the state is a vestige of history in Europe and some American Colonies when the established church determined who could be married. Disestablishment in America ended church monopoly over marriage — but left in place the dual role of clergy as religious leaders and state actors in the marriage arena.
Ending this church-state entanglement wouldn't end the gay-marriage debate. But it might serve to reframe the issue by focusing on civic arguments for and against extending government benefits to same-sex couples. In my view, it isn't the business of government to preserve the "sanctity of marriage." Nor is it the business of government to dictate the meaning of marriage to any religious community.
At the same time, no religious group should be allowed to impose a religious definition of marriage on the rest of society. Various faiths in the United States define the sacrament of marriage in various ways. The establishment clause of the First Amendment should bar government officials from making public policy solely on the basis of a theological conviction about what constitutes "marriage."
Of course, even if Americans agreed to separate civil and religious marriage, the patchwork of state solutions to the marriage conundrum would persist for some time.

Posted by Dallas DYSfunction :: 7:32 PM :: 3 Comments:

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